I am YouTubing now! Not making video essays (yet), but instead posting journaling videos on my intended side channel Memorial Theft. I plan to post weekly for as long as I have ideas and find the practice to be sustainable. I’m also working on my first video essay on Pathologic, expanding upon the very bare bones ideas I wrote about in my brief article posted a couple days ago. I’m not setting a personal deadline for when I am to finish it beyond the generous mandatory “by the end of the year” requirement so that I don’t fail one of my goals for the year. It’s proving difficult to tame the wretched voice inside me that loathes my writing whilst also wrangling the other voice that wants me to write on a number of other topics (particularly about women in Pathologic, an essay that truly tempts me despite how Dangerous an idea it is to write about women in a game as far as the potential risk for gross comments is concerned). Then, since I utterly failed to keep up with Pathologicfest (or is it Pathofest?), I decided that I would get back into using Twine by making an interactive fanfiction! So definitely look out for that. I hope to finish it by the end of the month.

We are slowly getting back on track in full force. Released Issue #1 of Cursebearer Confidential and made a silly handwritten zine about my energy issues the other day that I am on the fence about releasing. All my other physical zines have a home now on my physical zine page with information on how to get your hands on one. I may set up a shop at some point in the future when I feel confident enough about my work. I still need to get myself to put more of my actual artwork into my zines instead of relying on digital collage so much.

I missed you, my webbed site. The zine craze was glorious up until it was interrupted by a vacation, but I’m back on board to create recklessly and joyfully! Disruptions like these tend to throw me for a loop and out of my typical routine, but I’m starting to bounce back and reorient myself towards goals old and new.

Some general happenings:

* Starting up a perzine series (potentially monthly) about anything that captures my interest that fails to warrant an entire blog article or dedicated zine entitled: Cursebearer Confidential, inspired by an anonymous newsletter fantasy I once had. More details to come by the end of the month.

* I am toying with the idea of including a section on my site for my physical zines with ordering options for copies. I’m not interested in releasing all of my zines as PDFs (namely my minizines) so this would be potentially the best path for small-scale distribution to those who aren’t local.

* Setting a new goal to be some kind of professional artist in the next 5 years so I have at least one longer term goal.

* I’m going through the painful process of re-learning how to draw after allowing a lot of my skills to deteriorate with poor, infrequent practice this year. I have a long way to go and a lot of thoughts on this topic I will elaborate on in other places.

* September is on the horizon and I intend to participate in Pathologicfest in some capacity, so look out for that (maybe)!

Hello my darling website. I am pleased to announce that I have acquired a second printer for the purpose of lower quality printing for mass zines after realizing the financial toll that zine printing would take with my original printer that I got earlier this year. I declare now that I am slated to enter an era of immense zine creation wherein I will finally start thriving and fully pick up the pieces of myself. I have many big plans and avenues where I might be able to sell my zines in-person even!

In other news, the Pathologic brain is still raging strong though I’ve slipped in my efforts to work on fanfiction updates. New ideas are swallowing me including a new original world that I collaborated on with a dear personal friend recently that I plan to write stories based in of some kind. Articles are on the horizon as well and I vow to get them out eventually.

Allow me to skip all the fuss about how long it’s been yet again since another update. I never intended to have a regular timeframe to update this journal, it truly is whenever I feel like it and lately I haven’t been in much of a journaling mood (a real shock coming from the Journaling Guy, I know). I’ve been more or less keeping up with my fanfiction antics having written a couple more chapters of my big crossover fic that is slowly spiraling out of control as well as a sensual one shot because I got impatient for my poor doomed sapphics. Pathologic is still ricocheting around my brain every second of every day even though I am no longer playing it everyday. The article is still in the Works, I just need to find the right words that will likely come to me after the semester’s over. I’m painfully behind on paintings and need to rush to catch up despite not having any art energies in my body either.

Also expect some more creative writing from me in general when I’m allowed to post what I’ve written for class this summer that I’m relatively proud of. It’s mostly poetry as I still need to put in a lot of work on my fiction piece. I think I will eventually expand it into a much longer form because I am never going to be one for writing short original fiction. It’s just not my style. The fact that I can write short fanfiction at all is a miracle.

Unintentionally even longer time, no see. Grief has been as unkind as predicted (even more Bad Things have happened) and the skin I’ve shed included a wealth of my daily habits. Practically everything except writing fanfiction which I’ve been sufficiently productive with enough to post one complete one shot directly grappling with an escapist grief fantasy and two chapters of a highly self-indulgent Pathologic/Locked Tomb crossover that wormed its way into my brain and refused to leave. Both are mediocre by my standards due to the fact that I haven’t been able to muster the energy to rigorously edit them, only type and send them out the door after cursory edits. I will confess to you now that I also don’t have a solid plan as to where the current story’s going, only vague ideas and motions. My thoughts turn more specific when it comes to character beats, but this is a story I need to see where it goes as it comes to me.

Pathologic article is still on its way at some point. I’m debating writing something more personally tied to my grief rather than a review of the games. My previously mentioned Other Thing about grief is also taking shape in the form of a creative nonfiction piece I’m having to write for class that I might later expand into something worthy of posting. I only hesitate because I may be too in the thick of things to properly reflect and produce something competent. I won’t know unless I try though.

Slightly long time, no see. At least for the fledgling standards of my journal page that were being established. It’s been a rough couple of days with the highly unexpected passing of a family member that I am now undergoing the awkward motions of learning how to grieve as an adult. I intend to write something about this once the initial pains ease up as a way to cope, but for now I won’t get into it.

Other things going on:

* Pathologic brain rot has festered to the degree that I’m now working on an elaborate Dankovsky cosplay that will entail dropping a bunch of money on fabric to construct his abominable snakeskin coat. I will be basing the cosplay off his Pathologic 2 design because I love suffering and a stylish waistcoat.

* Additional brain rot has me writing proper fanfic for the first time in well over a decade to the detriment of other activities. I don’t know what it is about these games that is compelling me so to produce writing that isn’t based off of my original characters made for the setting like most of my other fanfic impulses entail, but the claws are in me. I have so many ideas and I’m only getting more as I go through Clara’s route for the first time (currently on day 8) and delight in slaughtering random knife guys with my silly little hands. I’m also outlining an article of sorts on Pathologic, exactly what that will consist of remains up in the air.

* No progress has been made on other creative projects as my brain is currently too directly hyperfixated and pained to allow much room.

I have descended into a state of fully fledged Pathologic brain rot and I so dearly want to write/make something about it. I hesitate because it feels like so much has been made about the games in the vein of video essays and other dissections to the point that I don’t know what I could exactly say without repeating a great deal of the same things. Honestly, I’m tempted to anyway because I will devour every piece talking about these games no matter what and even return to them multiple times. I believe this is my actual favorite game of all time, above even Bloodborne in my heart. I knew this to be true when I played them for the first time under a year ago, but I was unwilling to be so quick to accept it. I even wrote a terrible sonnet about it for class. At the very least I am now seriously considering making some sort of TTRPG based on Pathologic, seeking mostly to capture the narrative angles over a direct translation of mechanics to the format. This will likely have to be a longer project so I can give it the development it deserves and playtest it properly before releasing it to the public.

Officially released my new collaborative journaling TTRPG yesterday! Passing Notes is a collaborative asynchronous GM-less TTRPG about passing a notebook around between your friends to build up a document chronicling a mystery in your local area. Created with the vision of playing younger (ideally teenaged or older kid) characters engaged in mystery solving while mired in their myriad personal problems and petty dramas. I’m really proud of this game despite the short amount of time I spent with it (four days). I had no idea this concept would spiral so far out of my control and come to fruition so soon. Please go and check it out on my Games page! The only thing I’m more excited than getting this game in the hands of interested people is the prospect of getting to play it with my dear friends which was the primary reason I made it.

On a down note, I am still deliriously ill and getting worse in a new direction now in the flavor of sinus hell as opposed to a throat curse. Joy! I’m going to have to find something else to work on obsessively now that my game is finished (unless I want to rework the visuals in the sourcebook with original art) other than playing Pathologic 2 (truly feeling “immersed” over here).

In the throes of curse affliction (illness) I conjured up a new concept for a journaling TTRPG that I’m now incredibly excited to develop further and already have some friends on board for testing. While I did finish my officially three day sketchbook challenge, I have not been physically able to get back on track and reasonably conquer my prompts just yet, but the point of them ultimately is to spark my creativity and get me making a diverse array of things. It’s less about completing each day in a timely manner. The new game concept is one that I can develop to any length I desire and still feel satisfaction with the final result. I was so delighted to fall into the idea after aimlessly browsing other physical games on Itch and making a sudden connection with themes in a past (slightly abandoned) project of mine. I’m very excited to develop this concept and eventually share it on my site!

In the last entry I discussed my urge to write a new blog article and the thought is still on my mind. I considered writing a follow up to one of my journaling articles to address recent developments in my practice, but I hesitate because a follow up might be more suited for the “anniversary” of that article so I can reflect on where I’ve gone since and (hopefully) end on a tad less depressing note (I have gotten, for lack of a better word, lazy with my art journaling practices).

Media-wise, I started a replay of Pathologic 2 after troubleshooting some obnoxious issues caused by the poorly optimized nature of that game taxing my PC to a ridiculous degree. There’s no better, more “immersive” way to play the game than during a time where you’re at minimum enshrouded by a general feeling of malaise. I forgot how phenomenally eerie the opening of that game was. Expect an article of some kind on Pathologic as a whole from me at some point.

Still not the most creatively productive as I have been struck down by some sort of illness. Nonetheless, I refuse to give up. The past two days I’ve been working on what was supposed to be a one day sketchbook challenge that is now morphing into a three day challenge I’m certain I can best today (if a bit poorly). Trouble is coming in the form of the temptation to work on other zine concepts instead of my challenges as I am once again high on the prospects of zines. My zine idea list is swelling to an alarming size.Not to mention I am once again feeling the urge to work on a new blog article (perhaps the fabled, long overdue spatial horror list article). The trouble is that I want to do these things, but I remain only capable of slowly playing media (my more palatable alternative general term for “consuming media”).

Speaking of media, I played the wonderful Hypnospace Outlaw which I wrote a tiny review on for my reviews page and I am debating what to play next. Strictly games-wise, I am half-tempted to replay Pathologic 2 as I am compelled to do during any period of illness. Though there are a few other games I’ve already started or have been languishing on my “to play” list for far too long that I should get around to finally. Then there’s the entire issue of the Elden Ring DLC on the horizon, yikes!

I’d like everyone who reads this to take a moment (if applicable) to appreciate that you’re not physically ill as a favor to your future possibly afflicted selves.

Creativity is proving to be less fruitful than I’d hoped, but I remain firm in my refusal to give up. The month of June hasn’t managed to suddenly fix any looming specter of art block and I must accept this. I’m not allowing myself to fall any further behind on prompts than I already am, but I’ve been thus far unable to truly catch up on the prompts that have accumulated. I’m opting to be kind to myself and not pressure myself too much over it all. Otherwise I’d burn myself out even more.

In other news [x2]:

* Had a horrible hair bleaching incident for the first time in my DIY hair “career” wherein my hair heated up so much that it felt like it was burning my hand to the touch. Had to rush to wash all the bleach out and was left with a very underwhelming light red color (which at least removed a lot of the dark red that was refusing to come out of my hair normally). Unsure if the Orange Revival will look proper if applied over this current color, but I’m optimistic. It might look even cooler.

* Finally reading Tomie by Junji Ito, as a major fan of Uzumaki ever since I discovered a cursed copy in my middle school library it was only a matter of time before I got around to reading his first published work. It goes without saying that it’s beautifully illustrated with delectable inks. I adore how he stylizes eyes in particular. I’ve read half of the stories at the time of writing and not a single one was a weak link. Though I was put off by the appearance of the old man that looks vaguely like Freud.

Experimenting with a new smaller journaling system for personal thoughts that don’t warrant full blog articles of varying size. Feeling highly inclined to transform my site with new content in light of the rush of creative energy that the month of June typically heralds for me (happy pride). Exactly what this feature will look like and what will become of it remains to be seen…

In other news:

* A couple days ago I finally got around to releasing an old small zine (Public Domain Cats) and my solo journaling game from last year (DIY Haruspicy) alongside a brand new zine made just this month (Cringe is the Mind-killer)! Releasing “content” is a frightening experience I am hardly equipped to cope with, but in the spirit of the times I will be endeavoring to doing things scared.

* I’m getting back into reading again after a Homestuck-related lapse in my usual habit. I’ve been reading academic texts as well as indulgent fiction. Currently enjoying The Absinthe Underground by Jamie Pacton, an actually quite fun (so far) romantasy romp.

* Continuing to experiment with visual novels as I learn how to use Ren’Py for planned future long-term game projects. At the moment this experimentation is limited to silly, incredibly indulgent prolonged bits about my beloved OCs.

* Fell behind on my June creative prompts (this time themed around the loose concept of “bad art”) due to social obligations and general energy level struggles, but I’m angling to get back into the fray very soon to execute on all these ambitious ideas I have floating around my head.