Another year has passed since my article “Year of Being Real” in which I reflected on my artistic journey. Suffice to say, this past year has been tough, though I’ve accomplished more than I’ve long ever thought possible. Yet I can’t escape the feeling that it could have been more had circumstances been different. I’ve allowed certain things in my life (namely my art journaling practice) to fall by the wayside and lose some of its original significance. In many cases, this is because other creative pursuits took precedence, in others, it was simply depression.
Depression deeply colored my year as a whole, sparing me until the new calendar year when it flooded into me full-force, abating only a while before circumstances brought her right back in with a vengeance. It’s made this year feel painfully long and fruitless no matter how I lay it out on paper. I fear that I haven’t done enough and that I should be rightfully past all this having overcome the great obstacles that allowed me to have my first year of being real in the first place. I should be better than this by now. Ultimately, depression doesn’t work that way and it can strike us all no matter what. It is because of no personal failing of mine and it becomes irksomely difficult to remember the facts of my situation that should allow me to extend myself grace.
Despite this all, there have been some changes. Most notably in my feelings about being “known” for my art and the prospect of making money off my art. While my art skills have regressed, I have reached a level of comfortability with the idea of pursuing art professionally, enough that I have a vague concept of a goal to be some kind of professional artist in the next 5 years. I am more open to the idea of putting my work out there and have managed to do so to mixed levels of success. I have active plans to sell my zine work in the not so distant future and have already implemented an option for people to order my zines if they desire to do so. This is a huge step from where I used to be, entirely afraid of anything that would involve making money off my art for fears that it was both not good enough and that It would spoil my enjoyment of art. My enjoyment of art is already temporarily spoiled by the chemistry of my brain, so I might as well make some money off of it if I can. To be “known” is another issue that I still grapple with. While putting my work out there opens myself to the possibility, I find myself hoping that it doesn’t come to be. That I don’t pick up traction and expose my work to a wider audience. This could entirely be a method of expectation management, but I think it also truly reflects my actual feelings and fears on the subject. I really don’t know what will happen if I have more eyes on my stuff. While I cherish and adore the faint trickle of feedback and response that my work currently receives, anymore might be terrifying to be on the receiving end of.
This is not to say, if you are reading this, you shouldn’t reach out if you have thoughts about my work or comments to make or anything. I encourage it. I am simply afraid of a potential future that might never be where I have an unmanageable response to my work that I then have to grapple with.
So what have I done in this second year? A lot, but not too much. I’ve made a number of zines and released nearly all of them, reworked an old TTRPG journaling game mentioned in my previous article and released it, released an entirely new journaling TTRPG, wrote an entire novel draft (remains unpublished forever), at least ten paintings, three YouTube journaling videos, two nearly finished sketchbooks, a full MtG commander proxy deck with custom art, a mace sculpture, a currently unreleased podcast with twelve episodes, a few small linocut stamps, and a handful of sticker designs. Most of this was also done in the past couple of months. The start of this calendar year was truly a nightmare. There might also be more that’s just escaping me at the moment. In addition to these things, I’ve also added a great deal (comparatively) more content to my site which is becoming a priority moving forward as I continue my great Redesign Debate.
With a few notable extreme exceptions, my personal life has vastly improved from where it was last year. I feel incredibly secure in my interpersonal relationships and beyond lucky to have them. I no longer feel nearly as lonely as I used to. I am confident in my capability to be an enjoyable social presence and charm others within reason. Furthermore, I feel that I am less drained by social interaction than before as I now navigate it with a degree of unprecedented honesty without any masking. I feel that I am balancing my social life well with my personal life and maintaining my sanity. I still lack formal employment, but that no longer bothers me as I continue to have no dire need for it. I would generally describe myself as content in many areas of my life (which is weird to say considering the depression element).
My plans for the next year include refocusing my energy on more sketchbooking and investing more energy/effort into my art journaling practice. I also want to continue my current efforts of YouTubing (with an additional video essay channel) and podcasting with my friend (but releasing it this time). I want to focus strongly on re-learning JavaScript and eventually learn how to do some impressive things with web design, even if it isn’t reflected on this website. I want to make more zines, TTRPGs, and sticker designs. More ambitiously, I hope to return to working on other kinds of games at some point and, of course, I intend to do my own personal novel writing challenge again this year to produce another draft to work with (and just because I can). My most solid goal (in the sense that I have a solid metric to achieve) is to open a shop of some kind where I can sell my work. It’s something I could do at any point, I’d just have to sink a little bit of money into it and work out the logistics.
Reflecting on my previous goals, I achieved a few of them, but not all that many. Some of the goals I listed here are repeats of my previously expressed goals, but I feel a lot more capable of achieving these things this time around. Perhaps because this was such a tough year that I know things can only go up from here given that they are already turning for the better in most respects (my art continues to suffer even more). I hope that by broadcasting my goals here I can use this article as a source of personal reference and a means of holding myself accountable. Perhaps this might also inspire you to set responsible goals for yourself and try to shape them into comprehensible, workable things.
Speaking of goals, I have a much more developed idea of where I’m “going” and a temporary “end goal” in the form of my professional artist plans. Though I would also (and this could be a passing fad) be open to an end goal of being a web developer if I’m going to learn these skills for personal reasons anyways. I would love to make websites all day because that’s something I genuinely enjoy and the most appealing form of coding that has rekindled my love of the exercise. I feel that I am still “getting there,” but I know now better what the idea of “there” is to the point that I wonder why I ever stressed about knowing what that state looks like at all. Even though things remain a bit dark, I am hopeful and confident that it will all pan out for the better. I eagerly anticipate next year being able to report back with the wonderful progress I’ve made and the laundry list of unexpected developments that shaped me into an entirely new person.